Of Doubts and Fears

Does forever still apply nowadays?

Call me conservative, narrow minded or what-not, but I really don’t understand how someone can simply throw away years (and sometimes even decades) of love and commitment for something shallow.

Forgive me if I may sound judgmental but I just need to let this out. I am mad. No, my boyfriend did not cheat on me. In fact, we are still very much together. It’s just that I have a good friend who told me today that she and her husband are already separated.

So why am I affected?

First, I don’t have a lot of friends but the ones I have, well, I love them to bits. I am fiercely protective of them, I don’t want to see them get hurt or be treated unfairly. Naturally, it hurts me to see them hurting.

Second, I have always thought that she and her husband have an ideal relationship. I know for a fact that he loves her and he would always do everything just to make her happy. He used to have this neverending patience with her, despite her shortcomings brought about by her immaturity at the time (that was years ago).

Today when she confessed to me that they are no longer together because he cheated on her and hurt her physically, not only did my heart break for her but I was also shaken. Disillusioned. Think about it: You give yourself to someone who you thought you knew and then bam! He wakes up and tells you he doesn’t love you anymore and that you should just move on. It feels as if everything you have known to be true aren’t true after all.

She was hurting for seven months and didn’t even tell a single soul. She admitted to me that she even thought of committing suicide. Her husband was cheating on her right under her nose and she chose to stay for months with the hope that he would come to his senses but he didn’t.

Tell me how. How can you say that you love a woman you’ve never even met? How can you simply throw away years of memories for someone you barely know? How can you promise in front of God that you will stay with your spouse until death only to abandon her unceremoniously?

This incident brings out some skeletons from my closet (for a moment, at least). These skeletons are mostly my insecurities, doubts and fears. I mean, how can you simply hand over your heart (figuratively) to someone? By giving that person your heart and your trust, you are giving him or her the power to crush you. How sure are you that the person you love now will never change as years go by? So many questions and I only have one answer: faith.

Loving someone is taking a leap of faith. You have to trust blindly and hope for the best.

If you’re bored then think of doing something new and exciting without being unfaithful. If you feel that there’s something missing in your relationship, find out what it is and then fix it. Do not ignore it or run away from it. Most importantly, never seek it from another person. You may think that this person can give you what you lack but in reality, you are just taking a temporary solution to your problems and instead of solving it, you are simply digging a deeper hole for yourself. Remember, the grass is greener where you water it.

Before I end this post, I will share my favorite quote about love (and I think I’ve shared this countless times before):

Maybe thats what it all comes down to. Love, not as a surge of passion, but as a choice to commit to something, someone, no matter what obstacles or temptations stand in the way. And maybe making that choice, again and again, day in and day out, year after year, says more about love than never having a choice to make at all.

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5 thoughts on “Of Doubts and Fears

  1. writingbolt says:

    I am confused by the timelines here. But, I want to ask if you are solely angry at HIM or also not happy with HER? Because, it takes two to make a relationship work. And, as you stated, she was being “immature” and he was infinitely “patient” with that. I suspect the invincibility of that patience was finally cracked and concealed an affair.

    It seems too easy for women to gang up on men in such situations. But, those men often deserve some sympathy, too, lest the pattern they adopt worsen with the next potential mate.

    The one thing (or group of things) I have issue with, regarding marriage, is the idea that this partner is the most beautiful person in the world with no one prettier or more capable of being a partner in the world (without viable proof). It may seem a bit cold/not romantic, maybe I’ve become cynical from the stories I hear time and time again…but that one bothers me a bit. And, I think such “ideals” are often people get hurt when they find they are NOT the only one that could be valued that way. Or, you get divorced/break up and move onto someone else who you convince yourself is better or the right one. How are any of us really sure?

    A leap of faith, indeed. And, if we can’t give that heart wholly, aren’t we keeping something from those we want or say we will love? That alone feels hurtful and cold. But, I guess, in this modern world of human foolishness, it’s only fair to protect ourselves? I guess that’s why some materialistic folks get “pre-nups.” And, others may consider affairs.

    I prefer not to be so blind if I can help it. I guess that makes me fairly paranoid and defensive/apprehensive. I don’t want to be the fool in love. Yet, it takes so little effort on my part to feel foolish so soon. As some like to compare to a “bitch,” impulse and conscience are mine.

    How do you ensure the love you commit to won’t go bad over the years? By remembering what you say and sign. By sticking to the task of the commitment and the vows you take. By working as a team always and not getting “lazy” emotionally/verbally simply because this world forces you to take on work or you “choose” to have kids that drain the “romance.” Too many lose sight of the relationship because it becomes bogged down with other stuff and time apart. There can’t be the same fire as two when there’s kids and a boss in the way. Eventually, the bough/vow breaks. The plant was not watered/fed. It goes dry.

    I guess you said it yourself as I rant here:P Water the grass.

    Further thought on love and marriage. All commitment and vows aside, it should be naturally flowing and harmonious. Not: I think (he’s) attractive and (he) sparks my passions (now) and I see us doing this and that together (though we haven’t really tried that, yet). It’s not about sexual performance. It’s not about money or status. It’s not a gamble you take to get out of a bad situation. It may involve accepting differences, but you should love them because you love them, not because you feel a need to “eat your vegetables” to respect someone’s wishes for you.

    Okay, I better stop here:)

    • tangledupindaydreams says:

      Hi! I re-read my post again and I realized that yes, one might get confused while reading it. I wrote this last night while waiting for my meds to kick in (I took medicine for my colds) and I let my emotions write for me, so to speak.

      I forgot to include though that I do recognize that it takes two to tango. One cannot simply fall out of love “just because”. Now that I am out of the groggy zone, I am thinking: How do I really feel about this?

      My initial reaction was (as I’ve said in my post) that I got mad at the guy (cue the questions: How dare he? How could he do this? What was he thinking?) and felt bad for my friend. Now, I realized that I am actually more shocked than mad. To put it simply, I felt like a child whose parents just announced that they are divorcing. (Not that I’ve experienced it before, but it’s the closest I could think of.) I didn’t see it coming, which scares me because what if I thought I knew the person and it turns out that he wasn’t who I really thought he was?

      I’m not even mad at the other woman because as I’ve said, it takes two to tango. I also know for a fact that people tend to make mistakes or make a fool out of themselves for love. Been there, done that. I’ve had my fair share of embarrassing and cringe-worthy moments.

      Right now my only wish is for my friend to find happiness again. :)

      • writingbolt says:

        More than one medication for more than one cold??

        I know how that feels to imagine what something like divorce is like without being there…and that usually irks those who do go through it because we don’t know everything.

        I do not think this is a case of deception. And, that’s my point. I don’t think this guy just turned into some dark stranger who stabbed your female friend. I think this problem has been going on since he made evident his lack of patience with her…whatever she does. Talk too much? Nag about every little thing? Was she a “bridezilla”?

        I think what or who he has been has been evident from the start, but they both ignored the warning signs and led you to believe all was well. You probably didn’t stick your nose in their business, so you didn’t see the whole picture. And, that’s okay. But, understand his departure from the relationship was partly her fault, too. He made the move, she made things difficult.

        Well, both she and he need time to repair themselves and confirm closure on this story before jumping to the next. Otherwise, your friend is going to be like these celebrity women who marry one right after another for nothing.

      • tangledupindaydreams says:

        Thanks for the correction, it should have been meds for my cold. I hate it when allergies coincide with an actual cold, I have to take more than one medication (orally) on top of my daily dose of Seretide (inhaler for asthma).

        I’ll stop here before I start telling you about my medical history. :)

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