So here I am, at three in the afternoon and I’m lounging in my bed. On a weekday. I’m down with the flu, so it’s just me and my thoughts today. Until the boyfriend arrives from work, that is.
I’ve been thinking about this for days, and only now did I really reflect on it. I’ll be 25 in six months’ time and I don’t know if I really want where I am right now.
It started about two weeks ago. A classmate of mine back in college posted in Facebook that he was accepted to work for the United Nations. In New York. Freakin’ UNITED NATIONS!!! In freakin’ NEW YORK!!! I mean, it’s really a huge deal and I’m happy for him. Seriously.
But hey, he worked hard for it. He had his MA in a University in Seoul. I am really proud of him. He had always been academic and competitive.
Then I thought, what didn’t I do that? Why didn’t I pursue Post-Graduate studies?
Simple, I thought I wasn’t good enough. I didn’t really do my best back in college. I got good grades when I wanted to, but most of the time I didn’t put in much effort. Plus, I’m not the type who can easily express herself through words. I mean, actually speaking these words and getting them across. I can write, sure. But speaking, especially extemporaneous, I suck. Boy, do I suck.
Then a week after, another news: a friend of mine got accepted in this prestigious Parisian school (University?) for Political Science. With scholarship. Again, another slap in the face for me. Not because he doesn’t deserve it. He deserves every bit of it. He’s smart, a good speaker, and legit multilingual.
It’s just that, I know deep inside that if only I tried hard enough, I could be just like him. But what’s stopping me? I don’t know, I guess the fear of living alone. In addition to this, my father isn’t getting any younger. I want my parents to live comfortably without exerting too much effort, they deserve that. If I stop working and jet off to a foreign land just to study, then it defeats the purpose of all those years of hard work.
Sometimes I wonder, if I did this or that, where would I be right now? Is it too late to start again? Can I do it? Can I really, really do it?
Perhaps I will try. Then I’ll cross the bridge when I get there.